I have been single for all of my life. That's 19 years of flying solo. Given that we are in a world that glorifies romance and finding "the one", this did not sit well with me for quite some time. Obviously, when I was much younger, I wasn't sitting in the sandbox pondering love, but once I got old enough to start noticing that my friends were beginning to be interested in boys, I started being interested too. Obviously, this is a natural desire. I want to drive that point home: the desire for a relationship is natural and (more importantly) God-ordained. God made man and saw that he needed a companion. A partner to challenge him and worship with him. God knew that he needed Woman, and vice versa. But I digress.
From the age of about eleven, I started growing more interested in the idea of boys and thought that I may even want one for myself. As the years went forward, that interest only grew. Yet no one reciprocated. (And I can't blame them, really. Who would be interested in a quiet, withdrawn, antisocial girl who preferred reading to running around? The mindset of the typical fourteen-year-old boy is not geared towards mute-in-public bookworms.) As time went on and my knight in shining armor still did not appear, I began to grow embittered. I decided to take singleness as a choice. In ninth grade, I swore myself off from dating so that I could pour more time into what made me feel validated--my grades. (This was a big part of my problem...rather than seeking affirmation in the Word and in the knowledge that I was a beloved daughter I turned to what I could accomplish myself.) It's not like this oath-to-self made a difference--it would be far from true to say that I had guys lining up out the door for me, but making that promise to myself made me feel like I had more of a semblance of control over the situation and that made me feel a bit better about myself.
I began looking at singleness as my cross to bear. Perhaps God never intended me to find someone in the first place? Perhaps I was one of those people who was called to singleness? (Although, it would definitely be more like dragged to singleness...since I was young I have desired ultimately to be married and have a family of my own.) With this bitter mindset, I did something I should never have done; I put God in a box.
Outwardly, I would express my submission to the Lord's will. Inwardly, I was still holding on tightly. This is the one area of my life that even He can't control, I'd subconsciously tell myself. I went through different phases, trying different methods to dull the loneliness that throbbed constantly in me. First, I denied all my feelings. I tried to put myself above emotions as if I were too intellectual to feel love. That was a lie.
Then, I tried searching for love. Not actively, thankfully. The Lord was good enough to grant me enough wisdom not to throw myself at the first person I saw. But in my heart, I was ready. I saw singleness as a purgatory that I'd done my time in, and now I DESERVED a relationship. I approached it "analytically" and assumed that was the next natural step.
Shockingly, neither method worked. I found myself still just as single and alone as before. Except now, with an impatient and broken spirit. But recently, I've had some good conversations with wise and godly people. My friend Michaela (who has been a true blessing from God!) reminded me of the importance of being expectant and anticipating good things from the Lord. She gave me a lot to chew on mentally, and it convicted my heart.
I have always been a pessimistic person. I expect the worse, and (in a way) hope for it too. I was withholding hope of a relationship thinking Surely God wouldn't give me that, because that would make me happy and WHY would He do that?? (See how messed up my perception of the Father was!?) The Lord gently convicted me of how I had not submitted that to Him OR trusted that He would bring blessings into my life and keep His promises. Once I realized how wrong I had been, I was filled with a sense of peace.
Then I had ANOTHER conversation with another godly friend, Mary Kate. She reminded me of the importance of hearing and knowing the voice of the Father. The value of discerning what is from Him and what is not. This prompted me to think about how I want to be more aware of and listening for His voice in my life. I put it into practice and started really listening for His voice, and I was so hit by His truths. He first gave me a visual metaphor--a valley that I was stuck in. I could feel Him telling me, "In the valley there is healing. Stop looking up for a way out, and stop looking down with a broken spirit. Instead, look straight ahead; that's where I am. Chase after me and my promises." In my valley of singleness, I had been looking at it all the wrong way. Rather than using it as an opportunity to seek Him and fully commit myself to His plans I was letting it break me down, or I was approaching it as a period of dryness that I had to get through to get to the good stuff. This was such a flawed way of thinking. Since being convicted, I have been able to reassess and look at this "valley" in a new light.
I received a promise from Him. A promise that He will bring good into my life, and soon. A promise that there is hope when I plant my roots in Him, for Psalm 111 says that the fear of the Lord is the root of all wisdom. Anything worth having must take root in Him. So, now, I'm working on living more intentionally and prayerfully. On learning to hear and know His voice and pursue Him rather than pursuing the idea of love or "the one". Although, I wholeheartedly believe that He will give me someone because He gave me a promise, and His promises ALWAYS come to fruition. I will get my "one" when it is according to His plan, and now I am sure I wouldn't want it any other way.
He spoke to me again and gently reminded me, "Singleness isn't about waiting passively for 'the one' to be dropped in your lap. Singleness is about pursuing Me so passionately that you can't see anything else. Then, I will allow you to run into someone else who is also wholeheartedly pursuing me." Praise the Father, He is so so good.
I encourage you, fellow friends struggling with singleness, to be full of joy and expectancy for the goodness of God. He is a merciful Father who desires to bless His children; pursue Him with joy and remember that desiring a relationship is a desire that He is growing in you. Just be sure that that desire leads you to someone who is intentionally living for Christ...love is designed to allow two people to worship together in ways that they otherwise could not do apart. Love isn't about the next hookup or someone telling you they find you attractive--love is a reflection of the Gospel and thus it must be pursued with care and authenticity.
I leave you with a verse from Habbakuk, one of my favorites.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
He makes my feet like the deer's;
He makes me tread on my high places."
(Habakkuk 3:17-19)
Though you may not see the fruits of His promises yet, be expectant and ready for them. They will come to fruition. In the meantime, rejoice in Him with your whole heart for He is the God of your salvation. :)
From https://reflectionsofgrace1.blogspot.com/2021/02/singleness-in-valley-there-is-healing.html
No comments:
Post a Comment